It all started a really long time ago. Adam and Eve had been going steady for a while. Eve really liked Adam, but she made a promise to herself not to give it up until marriage. She was a special girl, that Eve. Adam was quarterback of the football team. He knew how to drive. They spent their lunch hours making out behind the bleachers but Adam could only take so much of it. One day he awkwardly made a grab at Eve’s tits and she was all like “Hey, stop” and Adam was like “C’mon, babe” and Eve was like “NO!” and she made a whole scene and shit. Like really, what’s the big deal? So anyway, right before she gets the chance to storm off God comes down from the heavens and shit right. And he’s pissed, he’s all like “Listen bitch, you are to submit to Adam and all his sexual whims, you got me? I will fuck your day up” and so she sighs and lets Adam grope her sweater puppies for like fifteen minutes before the bell rings. A couple weeks later, Adam totally nails Eve in the back of his car. That my friends, is not only the first like three chapters of the Bible, but the story of man’s first boner.
What was my purpose in telling you that story? Simple. Boners are awesome. We men use them to tell women while making out that we want to dryly rub our crotches together for a while until we come in our jeans. The boldest of men skip that step, and opt to quickly remove their boner from it’s fabric prison and make them do stuff to it. In the year 2008, some of us men are a lot more open-minded about our boners. Some of us get boners that have nothing to do with sexual arousal. I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out. The other night I was making cheeseburgers on my George Foreman grill when I had the amazing idea to marinade the meat in buffalo wing sauce. The results were so mindblowingly delicious that my arteries were rushing blood down to my penis faster than the cholesterol could make it’s way through my bloodstream. Not only did I further prevent myself from the risk of myocardial infarction (a heart attack, for those of you who don’t watch House) but just minutes after satisfying my pangs of hunger with delicious beef, I was satisfying myself with internet porn. Porn of choice – lesbians, of course, because I am a patriot.
If you’re not already hooked to this blog, you’re probably wondering what the draw is here. Is this really worth your time? Well, my friend, I’ve only just begun. The overall purpose of this blog is to introduce you to awesome shit that gives me boners. Said things will include but not be limited to music, film, books, news, politics, food, alcohol, television shows, people (mostly women), pornography (maybe…), events, places, whatever I deem bonerworthy and gets my cock blood pumpin’.
These basic WordPress layouts simply are not sexy enough, so I will return soon with a bonertastic layout and my first submission of real content to “Boners and the Things That Give Me Them”. It’s Friday night, go off into the night and get yourself some boners. Bonus points if you rub them on somebody in a club.
